


Cogito Ergo Doleo

by Seung



Series: ...As it has been said in a song (drabble game) [3]
Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, Blood, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, F/M, Inspired by Music, Inspired by song, One Shot Collection, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22377040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seung/pseuds/Seung
Summary: 08.“Following the road.. with no end as I wander to find you~I’m afraid I will lose you and be sad”- In Heaven by JYJ (Feat. Kang Jang Eun)Cogito ergo doleo_(latim)“I think, therefore it hurts”, it’s a twisted version of René Descarte’s “cogito ergo sum” (eg I think, therefore I am).
Relationships: Jung Daehyun/Original Female Character(s)
Series: ...As it has been said in a song (drabble game) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1610638





	Cogito Ergo Doleo

_'This shouldn’t have been happening again’_

Daehyun thinks to himself, laying on his bed in the dim lit bedroom, staring at the ceiling where the last vestige of his dream faded into thin air and, most certainly, back into his memories. Daehyun tries blinking a couple of times and takes in a shallow breath before reaching for his phone on the nightstand, the screen reads five and twenty-four in the morning, turning his eyes back to the ceiling, Daehyung lets his arm fall flat on the bed.

The phone’s screen turns off and the bedroom is once again drowned in nothing but the poor moonlight that manages to slip through some gap between the curtains, Daehyun awaits for the tiredness from the day before to take over him for couple more hours to sleep, hopefully, a dreamless sleep.

Everything gets engulfed in darkness and nothing more when Daehyun closes his eyes.

 _‘another dreamless sleep’_ \- he thinks to himself as he turns to his side, only to realize that the sound that woke him up is persistent and, reluctantly, he pushes himself to sit up, he can barely open his eyes, his eyelids are heavy, his vision is foggy, but his son is crying. Daehyun feels you moving beside him and reaches to touch you.

 _“It’s okay”_ , he tries to see you, but the darkness in the room and his tired eyelids blocking his view doesn’t allow him to see you, his body is half-numb, but still he can move and the drowsiness surrounding his mind doesn’t let him be as agile as he wants to be, _“I’ll check on him”._

Daehyun kicks the covers off and swings his leg numbly off the bed, battles with his numbness to slide his slippers on and the only sound that surrounds him is the crying baby and his slippers dragging across the floor, his body feels so heavy, he can’t really raise his leg to walk properly.

 _“You really don’t like being alone, right buddy?”_ , Daehyun smiles sleepily to the small baby in his arms as he leans back on the armchair next to his son’s crib, the baby is already asleep and the barely drunk bottle of milk is laying on the table beside the armchair.

 _“Dae?”_ , your voice sounds distant like you’re speaking to him from another room, through a crack on the wall, but when he looks up, you’re there, beside him and he smiles at you too.

 _“He just felt lonely, I guess”_ , he tells you as you sit on the armrest beside him and reach to caress your son’s face, _“maybe we should move him from my office”_ , Daehyun looks around his office immersed in darkness before looking up at you again, he tries opening his eyes a bit more, he doesn’t feel all that sleepy, but the drowsiness in his mind and body is agonizing, it bothers him that he can’t see your face nor his son’s, but he knows that’s because he had a very tiring day.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows he’s dreaming, somehow, but he forgets that easily because you hug him and kisses him and the five-year-old jumps on his shoulders, the air is filled with laughter and the sunset colors the day beautifully. The grass under his feet is warm and fresh, Daehyun smiles as he he carries his son, playing with him and you have to pull away from him to play as well.

 _“Dad! Can I give a treat to Tigger?”_ , his son asks.

 _“Don’t give him too much!”_ , his son jumps off his arms and rushes back into the house.

 _“I better give him the treat or he’ll try climbing the cupboard again”_ , you sigh playfully and walks away.

Daehyun smiles along with you, knowing how much of a daredevil his son is growing to be and he’s so happy, he leans up to steal a peck from you, the sun hits his eyes and he can’t see your face properly just like he couldn’t see his son’s. Tigger rushes to his lap and lays down, licking his face, Daehyun closes his eyes, laughing and trying to push the jumping poodle away from him slightly.

 _“I’m not the one who’ll give you treats! Why are you here? Go look for —”_ , his son name effortlessly leave his lips, but he can’t hear it nor feel the way his lips move, but he knows the name, or does he?

Daehyun frowns, pulling away from the hyper poodle and stands up, tripping on nothing with his urgent steps and he runs back into the house. 

The hospital has people running everywhere, no one stops to say a single thing, not about you nor his son, those faceless strangers shove him away in disgust when he tries to get any information from them, something that resembles panic takes over him and Daehyun holds himself up the way he can with his hand on the nearest wall, but his legs give up on him, he tries to loosen his tie, but his hand trembles too much, he looks down to see hands and dress shirt painted in crimson red, Daehyun mutters your name, but no sound, not even a whisper escape his lips.

It’s hard to stay on his knees when the weigh of the world is on his back, the weigh of guilt. It’s his fault, this is all his fault. His hand reaches to grab the leg of the person who stands next to him and he doesn’t know when he sat down, but the disturbed image becomes clear as Himchan, your brother, kneels down next to him, the ceiling becomes darker, the corridor becomes darker, too many voices at once, too close.

Daehyun opens his eyes again, he doesn’t want to be here, he doesn’t want to listen to what the doctor’s saying.The hospital’s lights are too bright, everything is too overwhelming, he wants to throw up.

 _“It’s your fault, you know that, right? Are you happy now?”_ , the poison dripping from Himchan’s voice soak his soul, everything hurts, but in a different way, he wishes he can feel real pain, but this, it’s so much worse.

He wants to wake up, Daehyun desperately wants to wake up, this is too much, he needs you, when he wakes up you’ll be there and everything will be alright. He hates here, he needs you. He wants to wake up, but he can’t even move a muscle. Your family, the doctor, the nurses, everyone’s seems to look at him sideways, glare at him, pointing at him.

Daehyun snaps his eyes open and he’s sitting on his bed, covered in sweat, panting hard as if he just ran a marathon, his eyes shot at the empty space beside him where he unconsciously tried reaching out for you, his heart drums an unsteady beat against his ribcage and, before he can acknowledge them, his tears cascades down his face one after another, the sun slips past the curtains and into the bedroom, so grounded in reality it hurts. Everything hurts so bad.

Daehyun covers his face with both hands and doesn’t have any strength to hold back his tears, your name escape past his lips more than once, he barely realizes how his body trembles as he cries.

***

His fingers still tremble when he tries buttoning up his shirt, Daehyun licks his lips and takes a thousandth deep breathe, he doesn’t want to cry again. He reaches beside him for his tie and looks in the mirror to try putting it on himself, he recalls when you’d step in and smack his hands away to do it yourself, _“how come you never learned this properly?”_ , you’d say, _“how did you live without me?”_ , you’d smile at and give him a peck.

The image disappears before his eyes like smoke and he sees how his tears fall on his shirt, his hand stopped midway through their work, Daehyun stares at his beaten up image in the mirror, the weight loss, the dark circles under his eyes, the distant eyes, he understands he’s barely recognizable from the usual lively and hectic man he is, always greedy and dynamic.  
Daehyun tries to focus on his tie once again, but his mind easily diverts somewhere else, the way his memories come to haunt him, to drown him and suffocate him.

It has been so long since he had a dreamed of you and though it hurts, he missed those dreams, they tend to fade with time, like a curse, but he always tries to keep the bits he had, just to feel close to you in some way, to have a few more memories with you, he knows he could have more, _he could have you_ , but he was too stupid to see what he had when you’re there. He might remember how you’d smile and peck his lips, but he just ignored how he’d mutter a unhumorous _‘thank you’_ and walk away because something at the company wasn’t going his way.

He’d like to think that he never realized how hard was for you to smile at those arrogant men he had to get close to, at those obnoxious parties, those men meant more influence and power and money to him, but he did know, you told him yourself in one of those stupid fights he could’ve avoided if he took you out on a date and enjoyed time with you instead of tossing you his credit card, or, as he joked with his so-called friends before, “an expensive treat” whenever there was something wrong. Daehyun knew fairly well, he hurt you too much, too deep to fix it at some point, but he still wouldn’t let you go, he knew he wanted you, just didn’t understand he loved you, he knows now that’s not an excuse.

Two things were the main component of his character, they’re selfishness and blindness, he could never see anything but money and power, that’s all he ever wanted and he never saw you. Daehyun never saw, never really cared when you told him there was a baby on the way, a boy as he always wanted to, of course, he cheered for the future heir with his friend, something that was nothing but a business party that you really couldn’t be part of.

 _“Why did you left?”_ , his alcoholic breath fanned on your face as he stepped closer, his voice loud and angry.

_“I felt sick, I couldn’t stay. I told you I–”_

_“We were celebrating our son and you escape through the back door?”_ , he groans on your face.

_“You were celebrating the safe future of your company not our son!” _, you step close, talking as loud as him, eyes defiantly fixed on his, _“and I was tired, I told you I had to come back and lay down. I didn’t “escape through the back door”, I asked the driver to take me home”___

____

__

The loud voice seems to ring loud and clear even now, most of the memories he has from you are as good as this one.  
Looking in the mirror, Daehyun sees the mess his tie has become and he tries to stay away from any other thoughts as he tries it again and he manages something good enough.

Daehyun looks at his watch, fixing his suit on his shoulders, the piece of clothing is a bit too large for him now, he sighs and walks to the kitchen. All the lights in the house are turned off, curtains barely open, but he doesn’t mind it, it’s spring and he can hear the birds from the kitchen and that only cause him more melancholy. The house’s too big, it has too many things he doesn’t need, it’s loaded with too many memories he doesn’t want to touch. Daehun takes off the fridge what’s left from what he ordered the day before for lunch.

The counter’s covered with a thin layer of dust, Daehyun stares at the food sat at the dirty surface, choosing not to seat to not ruin his clothes, the food is cold and tasteless, but he forces himself to eat it anyway, throwing the package in the garbage when he’s done and leaving right after, the sound of the door locking resounds through the lonely, empty house and his steps echoes in the parking lot as he walks towards your car, the one you used instead any of the others. Daehyun always complained how denigrated was for you to use such an old model when there you had much better ones, you never cared.

***

The blue sky with small clouds scattered around, the warm sun and uncertain chilly breeze of spring, you loved this kind of weather, you really liked spring. When Daehyun has to stop the car at the traffic light he realizes how much of a bad idea it was to take your car, it smells like you, everything’s where at you left.

 _“Daehyun?”_ , he looks beside him to see you smiling down at your fingers, fumbling with your nails on your lap, he hums in response and looks back at the road, changing lanes.

 _“What is it?”_ , he insists when you don’t reply, “is there something wrong?”, his eyes dart from the road to you in worry and lick your lips.

_“No, it’s– I’m fine.”_

_“Then what?”_ , his eyebrows are almost knitted together as he tries to steal another glance at you and attempts to pull over the car, but you place your hand over his to stop him from doing it, _“Y/n if there’s something wrong–”_ , his voice wavers a bit, trying to keep his attention on the road, but too worried about you. 

“ _It’s stupid”_ , he grows impatient by your hesitancy, he doesn’t like beating around the bush and you know it.

Keeping one of his hands on the wheel he takes yours with the other, brushing his thumb on the back of your hand, remembering how the doctor told him to not let you go through any sort of stress or strong emotions Daehyun tries to calm himself.

 _“You know you can tell me, right?”_ , his voice is soothing like he hasn’t spoken with you in so long.

 _“Do you still love me?”_ , the uncertainty in your tone, the genuine worry sounds stupid just as much as it gets him. Daehyun finds himself thinking about it for longer than he should.

***

Daehyun deviates from the truck just in time, his heart hammers against his ribcage and jumps up to his throat making him sick to his stomach, a glance at the review mirror and he sees how much paler he looks, there are bids of cold sweat running down his face and he pulls over as fast as he can, the tires scratch the dirt and the car slides before stopping, Daehyun jumps off the car, not caring to close the door, and rushing towards where the trees start and the woods invites him in, he reaches for the nearest tree, supporting his hand there and another on his knee, curving his body forward and vomiting what he ate that morning and the evening from the day before, his body repulses everything and he feels scared when the first bits of blood are spilled out, Daehyung carves his nails on the tree, trying to support himself up when his legs tremble, shivers run down his spine like a cold knife, Daehyun can feel his dress shirt getting dampened, his hair sticks to his skin and he can barely stand still.

 _“Do you still love me?”_ , your voice is so real and so close.

His throat hurts when he gulps down and he tries to clean his lips with the back of his hand before looking up to see you standing there, beautiful, more beautiful than he could ever remember.

“I–”, Daehyun tries pushing himself up, his breathing is shallow and hurts, “y/n, I could never stop loving you”, Daehyun leans on the tree, trying to maintain his balance, his other hand clutches on his stomach, it hurts too much and he can barely stand still.

Daehyun blinks and tries to smile at you, leaning his back against the tree he reaches out for you with now free hand, you’re really y/n and he can see your face. _He can see you!_

“Y/n!”, he calls you and you take a step closer, his fingertips barely brush on your hair, but, as always, he needs more than just that, “I’m sorry I didn’t know how to love you, I’m sorry I didn’t protect you–”

That’s not what he wants to say, he knows it, but he can’t think of the right words, he can’t remember.

“Stay with us”, you step closer and _finally_ he can touch you again, his smile trembles and he can’t hold back his tears as his free arm enlaces your waist, pulling you close to him.

“Us?”

You look somewhere behind you and a boy, about five years old, is peeking from behind a tree, Daehyun smiles and his son’s name easily comes out of his lips, the boy runs to the two of you and you step away from Daehyun to carry him.

“Yes”, his smile grows wider and he steps away from the tree, forgetting about the pain he no longer feels and catching his son when the little boy reaches for him, “I want to stay with both of you”

With his free arm around your waist, Daehyun leans down to peck your lips as your smile at him.

***

“Channie, isn’t that y/n’s car?”, Himchan’s wife whispers at him and points at the car smashed against the trees.

“Stay here”, he advised and jogs towards the car, the family gathers around soon, some follow Himchan while the others stay back.

Himchan looks inside the empty, trashed car and is the first to see Daehyun’s pale body in the woods nearby with his back against the tree and he rushes to it, checking the pulse.

“Jung Daehyun? We told him not to come near here”, the older man complains, looking at Daehyun with disgust.

“We’ll say it again later”, Himchan snaps, “right now we need to get to the hospital.”, he kneels next to Daehyun, “call emergency, now!”

“Why should I? You know what he–”

“I know what he did!”, Himchan tries not to glare at the older man next to him, “you don’t need to remind me”, he hisses at the man, “now call the 119 or you’ll be just like him”, reluctantly the man pulls out his phone.

Himchan takes sees where Daehyun’s white dress shirt is soaking in blood and sees the pool of vomit and blood next to him.

“Hey! Jung Daehyun! Jung Daehyun, stay with me!”, he tries, taking off his jacket and pressing against the wound, he hears as the person next to him talks on the phone, “Daehyun, can you hear me? Can you hear me?! Wake up!”


End file.
